[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
You Might Also Like
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic