Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
no regrets
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.