Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]