how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.