Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
lmao
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.