Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.