“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*skinny dips into black hole
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.