[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
It’s the weekend y’all
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these