Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I am a gravy boat captain
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.