My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
s
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I only eat vegetarians.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
wtf management?!