Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Hitlers gonna hitl
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.