*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
You Might Also Like
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.