Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!