Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
yeah 😭
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.