Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
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Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I will never stop laughing at this
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these