I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids