Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive