When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
You sure about that?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
He a real one for that
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art