[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
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A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Siri: Retweet me.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.