I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
August 8
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.