Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef