How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Life with a cat in one tweet
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine