None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.