Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
This is I, Robot all over again
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase