me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.