Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
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no such thing as a dumb question
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir