mood
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8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.