Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet