You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it