<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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Go hard or stay average
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..