Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt