Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
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Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell