Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION