Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.