There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers