dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*