Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.