If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
welp
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.