“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Good dog. ❤️
How can I say no to this ?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.