Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?