[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
You Might Also Like
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)