[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
good work, detective
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Life is a suicide mission.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.