America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor