PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Vodka burrito was a success
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.