Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.