*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Saturday
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target