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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.