ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.