“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
mathematically impossible
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.