After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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mood
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I just ran a .003048K
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.